Sunday, 3 February 2013

How to Write About The Netherlands

How to Write About The Netherlands

Inspired by "How to Write About Africa" by Binyavanga Wainaina

Always use the words "Dutch"or "Dutchman" or "Gezellig" in your title. Words like "Windmill", "Clogs", "Flying Dutchman", "Stingy"or "Tulips" may be used in your subtitle if applicable. A useful word might also be "World Cup". Please note that "People" mean immigrants of Moroccan or Turkish origin, and "the People" mean the real dutch who are known to be stingy, stubborn and wearing clogs all day carrying cheese on large stilts around the capital.

On the front cover always make sure to have a picture of a windmill in a luscious bed of blue, red and yellow tulips. However make sure to never highlight the cold winters of which people freeze at negative temperatures. Also, never use a prominently foreign immigrant on your front cover unless he has revolutionized the country with his noble deeds.

Always make sure to express your love for the culture of cultivating cheese and eating soft ice-cream that has to be extremely sweet. Talk about how much the old traditions of using windmills to grind wheat fascinate you, because it is important. 

Don't forget to mention how much you enjoyed your train ride that has never been late (almost never) and the transportation system that is always on-time (apart from bus services run only every 30 minutes in some cases). Also, mention how wonderful the national airline's stewardesses are (not mentioning that more than half of them are over 50 years of age) and how their make-up artist is world class.

To conclude, make sure you include how beautiful you think the queen's extravagant hat is, because you care.

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